I told someone I was an atheist recently, and they said: “So you don’t believe in Jesus?”
"I even dressed the same so you'd recognise me!"
Yes I do – I believe there was a bloody impressive man who lived over 2000 years ago, and he probably looked a bit like Osama Bin Laden. He was not a biological anomaly born to a virgin. Though turkeys can reproduce asexually, their munted little tardy turkeys usually don’t grow up at all, let alone go on to violate the laws of physics.
Jesus may have gone to India during his apparent disappearance for 18 years, from puberty through to manhood. He may have learned about ideas of repentance and charitable works from Buddhism. The sermon on the mount may well have been Jesus’ version of the teachings of Buddha.
He probably did some other amazing things while in India, ‘cos Hindus also see him as an incarnation of Krishna, much like Buddha. Among those amazing things he did while he was away from home, he probably learned to swim.
Fishermen in Jesus’ ‘hood did not know how to swim. You can spot cultures that know how to swim, because their religion usually paints the sea god as a fickle god, a taker of life, like Posiedon. Seafaring, swimming folk usually have a more benevolent or at least predictable, moral God, like Varuna.
So he was out on a boat one day, talking about morality which was pretty naughty back then, an activity reserved for the priests. Priests were the law makers, the primal government with rules and punishments. He was openly undermining their power – and the illiterate fishermen were suitably impressed.
Then came a storm that snapped the mast or lost the oars or something, and they totally flipped out. Next, this crazy dude Jesus waits for the storm to subside and he SWAM to shore. Holy shit.
We'd be getting chauffered around in flying robotic pods by now if it weren't for them - but faith can't stand wisdom!
These illiterate fishermen were desperate to blog about it, but the internet was hundreds of years from being made, so they didn’t take a photo and upload it, they told people.
And what word would an illiterate fisherman use to describe the act of swimming?
“It wasn’t like ‘floating’ through the water, because he seemed to be putting directed effort into moving. He had his arms in a lying down position, kicking his feet and splashing around.”
“So you mean like walking in water? Wow, that is fucking impressive.”
And they spread the story, and he used these fables as platforms from which to spread his ethical and open-minded Buddhist beliefs, and change the word of god.
Who, but an atheist, would presume to alter the word of god? Even a son of the almighty wouldn’t deign to tell you that his dad had made a few mistakes.God created the heaven and the earth for fuck’s sake.
He created the laws of physics, why did it take him so long to reveal that wisdom to us? Shit, with his own hand, he carved a list of rules: To worship him, obey him, refuse to work on Shabbatdays for him, and not steal lives, wives or sheep.
Why not a stone tablet with a scaled picture of the solar system that he created for us, with a big fucking arrow chiseled artfully over the third dot saying “I put you in the Goldilocks zone, so it’ll be perfectly warm in summer. The other planets should protect you from asteroids. If you cook pig it’s not too bad for you, and they’re bloody tasty”
So Jesus, the atheist, preached against the two most horrible and ethically corrupt doctrines of Judaism: That you cannot be saved, and you’re not allowed in unless you’re born a Jew.
He tried to destroy Judaism by preaching forgiveness. What a guy.
After getting stabbed with a spear for undermining the authority of priests and trying to destroy their religion, they went and named one after after him. That poor bastard – he has so many torn little anuses on his conscience.
Thanks a lot, Senator Palpatine.
LOL, that’s plausible. But, meh…I don’t believe in an historical Jesus.
Well I do, I choose to. Hitchens eloquently points out that if he were fictitious they wouldn’t have had to lie about where he was born and how he got to (Nazareth or Galilee or wherever). I believe him.
You idiot. How can Jesus be both a Buddhist and atheist at the same time? And what do you say to his “atheistic” claim about being the son of God? Or is that the made up bit that his followers added? Perhaps you could list all the made up bits, and your scientific proof for the assertion that they are made up. I hope you enjoy your 15 minutes of micro fame…
Cheers mate – I think you’re being a bit generous by calling it micro fame. True Buddhism is rather Atheistic – it doesn’t speak of an afterlife and openly promotes rational thinking. Listen to Reasonable Doubts, they’re great: http://doubtreligion.blogspot.com/2010/09/episode-73-confession-of-buddhist.html
After getting stabbed with a spear for undermining the authority of priests, they went and named one after after him. That poor bastard – he has so many torn little anuses on his conscience
named the priest? or named a spear? and how does the naming relate to choirboys?
(I’ve never been religious so maybe I’ve missed a ‘scriptural reference’?)
Fixed it – thanks.
“You can spot cultures that know how to swim, because their religion usually paints the sea god as a fickle god, a taker of life, like Posiedon. ”
I think you mean *don’t know* how to swim?
Other than that interesting post. I’ve never gotten into the whole historical Jesus vs made-up Jesus. I think if there was a real preacher named Jesus, stuff attributed to him got out of hand, much like how St Nicholas theses days is fat, has flying reindeer, wears a red suit, and lives at the North Pole instead of in Turkey. Jesus, if he was an actual person, might have been honest or he might have been good at sleight of hand, like a magician. OTHO I see the incredibly close similarities to Mithra, so I wonder if the whole Jesus idea wasn’t just co-opted from pagans to begin with. So I’m pretty open to both options atm.